


Where There’s Smoke

by pitchpatronus



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Drug Use, F/M, Kinda Cracky, M/M, but not that kind of crack, post-AWTWB, reefer madness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24244177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pitchpatronus/pseuds/pitchpatronus
Summary: Simon, Baz, Penny, Shep, and Agatha spend a memorable Friday evening together experiencing the wonders of weed.Big thanks to @tbazzsnow for being my wonderful beta!
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68





	Where There’s Smoke

It’s Friday night at Penny’s flat—weekly Friday night supper. After everything was over, when the dust had settled from America and the NowNext and saving Watford and everything else, it felt too strange to be apart for long. The first night back in their respective places, Simon got a text from a frightened Penny an hour after they’d turned in, and ten minutes after that he was opening the door for her. Then Shepard called Penny and joined them, and not long after, Agatha posted a depressing snap that had Baz texting her and insisting she come over, too. The five of them piled into Baz’s king size bed and slept tangled together like a bunch of puppies. In the morning, Simon made scones.

Now they’re all much better adjusted to sleeping in their own beds, but Friday night supper is sacrosanct. They take turns hosting (although Penny seems to host twice as often as anyone else), and each brings a part of the meal. This week they’re gathered around Penny’s table by the window, sharing shakshuka and crusty bread and a bottle of spicy red wine (Baz always brings the wine).

Penny leans back contentedly into the vintage sofa that takes up one side of the table, then promptly springs back up again.

“Agatha,” she says, fixing her with an accusing look, “Isn’t your birthday coming up?”

Agatha watches the wine swirl lazy circles in her glass. “...It might be.”

“I thought so!” Penny cries. “So what are we going to do?”

“Do we _have_ to do anything?” Agatha grimaces, then takes a drink.

“Don’t you want to?” Shepard asks. He’s nestled next to Penny on the sofa, his arm resting along the back of it.

“Honestly?” Agatha says, “All I really want for my birthday is a quiet evening with an expertly rolled joint to myself. And maybe a cheesecake.”

Four pairs of eyes stare at her.

“What?” she says, and then looks around the table. “Oh, please. Spare me your disapproval.”

“Do you mean to tell us that you became, what, a _stoner_ whilst in America, Wellbelove?” Baz smirks. He’s leaned back artfully in his chair, all fluid lines and angles. He snorts. “I can only imagine what your parents would say if they knew.”

Agatha rolls her eyes. “I’m not a _stoner_ ,” she says. “Everyone in California smokes weed. It’s legal there, remember?”

“Is that true, Shep?” Simon asks. He’s been owl eyed since Agatha’s declaration.

“Yeah, it’s legal there,” Shep agrees. “Wha—oh, you mean does everybody do it? Nah. I wouldn’t say everybody. Just...a lot of people. Young people. People like Ginger.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Agatha bristles. “ _People like Ginger_?”

“I meant—you know. People who do yoga and drink beet juice and talk about things like _chakras_ and Mercury in retrograde—“

“Not all people who do yoga smoke weed—“ Agatha gets defensive anytime one of them brings up Ginger. “Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Or yoga. Or beetroot juice, for that matter!”

“ALL right, all right,” Penny interrupts. “Since we obviously can’t give you a joint for your birthday, what else could we do?”

“We can’t?” Shepard asks, turning to look at Penny. Baz scoffs.

“Where would we even get weed?” Simon asks.

“I dunno, I’m sure someone I know could hook us up,” Shepard says. “I think James still lives somewhere in London,” he adds thoughtfully. None of them know who James is.

“So is this happening?” Penny asks, looking around the table excitedly. “Are we throwing Agatha a _weed party?_ ” Agatha nearly chokes on her wine.

“Oh my _god_ , Penny. Don’t ever call it that again.”

“I’m in,” Shepard says. “I can message James and see if he’s around.” Penny and Shepard look over at Simon and Baz.

“Boys?” Penny asks.

Simon looks up at Baz, who raises an eyebrow in response.

“...I will if you will,” Simon says, sounding not entirely sure of himself. 

Baz nods. “Merlin knows I’m going to need to be impaired to sit through an evening of you lot high.”

“Ha!” Penelope cheers triumphantly. “It’s on, then. Let’s do it at Simon and Baz’s. They have more room if we need to stay over.” Baz waves a hand benevolently.

“D’you think you’ll need to, though?” Simon asks as he stands to gather their plates. “Stay over, I mean? Is it like getting pissed?”

“Don’t worry, Simon,” Agatha says, handing him her plate from across the table. “You’ll just get really hungry and then fall asleep.” She turns to glare pointedly at Penny. “ _Don’t_ forget the cheesecake.”

A week later, Baz is shoving the last of Simon’s errant, dirty socks in the hamper and Simon is scrolling through Netflix, surveying their movie options for the evening. A telltale knock on the door announces Shepard and Penny have arrived (It’s the rhythm to _Shave and a Hair Cut_ , and Shep _always_ does it when he knocks. It makes Simon laugh and also fills him with some kind of warm, fuzzy feeling every time.). He bustles to the door to undo the lock.

“Hey, guys,” he says. Shepard and Penny are indeed standing on the stoop, looking windswept and jolly. Agatha is hiding a little ways behind them in her pale pink coat.

“ _Aggie_ ,” Simon catches her as they come through the door. “Happy Birthday.”

“Thanks, Simon,” she says with a little smile. Then a more feral one. “Are you ready to get positively _wasted?”_

Simon opens and shuts his mouth, his cheeks flushing. Agatha laughs.

“Relax,” she says. “No one is going to get wasted. It’ll be a bit of fun and that’s all.”

“Right,” Simon exhales. He’s been secretly worrying about this evening for a week. He can’t shake the what-ifs from his brain: _what if their cranky old neighbor smells it, what if the weed Shep got is laced with something, what if something goes wrong and they’re all too stoned to handle it…_ He realizes Agatha is looking at him, her brown eyes deep and serious.

“Simon...you know if you don’t want to smoke, you don’t have to. Right?”

He chews his bottom lip.

“Really, I need to know that you know that. There’s no pressure here. We’re too old for that shit.”

“Of course,” Simon says, huffing out a laugh. “Especially you.”

Agatha elbows him in the side playfully and they step through the doorway.

Penny has set up a buffet on the kitchen peninsula with the snacks everyone brought. That was the theme—snacks for supper. Everyone had to bring a snack (except for Agatha). Next to the immense tray of sausage rolls (Simon), there are bags of Doritos (Shepard) and Walker’s salt and vinegar crisps (Baz), followed by a small platter of Jaffa cakes (Penny), and the crowning glory: an unmistakable square box containing a vanilla cheesecake swirled with raspberry (Agatha, of course).

“We have a main course and sides, followed by dessert,” Penny explains, showing off the buffet like a tour guide.

“Didn’t import the cheesecake all the way from America, did you Bunce?” Baz says as he leans against the far side of the peninsula. “I still have dreams about that extreme Oreo slice we had…”

“Ha, no. This is Tesco’s finest,” Penny says as she slices through the sticker on the box lid with a knife. Then she swiftly turns to look Baz in the eyes and points her knife at his chest. “And _we don’t talk about that, Basilton.”_

“What? Talk about what?” Shepard is pulled away from his conversation with Simon.

Baz closes his eyes and shakes his head solemnly. “What Happens At The Cheesecake Factory Stays At The Cheesecake Factory,” he says.

“Oh, cheesecake? Are we eating?” Simon asks, earnest excitement painting his face. Baz snags him and gives him a fond kiss on his curly head as he files by to grab a plate.

When all have piled their plates with snack food, they settle into their usual places around the television set: Penny and Shep on the sofa, Agatha in a chair to herself, and Baz in the opposite chair with Simon leaning his back against it as he sits on the floor, his plate resting on the coffee table nearby.

“To Agatha on her twenty-fourth birthday,” Simon toasts, holding a sausage roll aloft.

“Oh, indeed,” Agatha says, rolling her eyes (but also obviously pleased by the attention).

“I will say, I have found 24 a bit less miserable than 23,” Baz assures her. “And far less so than 22.”

“Amen to that,” Shepard says, and he takes a bite of his own sausage roll.

“Wait!” Penny cries suddenly, startling Shepard so badly he nearly spills his plate. “Aren’t we forgetting the...the _main event_ , so to speak?”

“You mean the weed?” Agatha says flatly.

“Yes. Shouldn’t we do it now? Before we get all full and invested in the movie? You have it, right, Shepard?”

“Indeed I do, Penelope,” Shepard says. He leaves his plate on the coffee table and goes to retrieve a purple, plastic pencil case from his pin covered satchel. He brings it back to the sofa and sets it in front of himself reverently.

“Courtesy of my friend James,” he says formally. “For the birthday girl.”

He gently passes Agatha a little roll of white paper. A joint, Simon supposes. He watches as Agatha puts it under her dainty nose and breathes in.

“Mm,” she hums in approval. “Just what I’ve always wanted.”

“I have two more joints to share,” Shepard continues, glancing down at Simon next to him. “For you, me, and Penny. 

“And for Baz…” Shepard holds up what looks like a bar of chocolate. “Edibles,” he explains. Baz cocks an eyebrow. “Sorry, man, but where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”

Baz holds out his hand and Shepard passes him the chocolate bar. Baz turns it over in his hands, reading the packaging. Simon watches as he opens the wrapper with graceful fingers and pulls out a plastic insert that was hiding inside. There are little chocolate buttons in it. Baz takes one out and inspects it.

“I will if you will, Snow,” he repeats, looking into Simon’s eyes. He pops the chocolate button in his mouth without breaking eye contact.

Across the coffee table, Agatha has lit her joint with her fingers and is taking a long draw. The room starts to smell like smoke and herbs and something sort of bad, but also sort of good, like petrol.

Simon turns back to Baz. “What’s it taste like?” he asks.

Baz rolls the chocolate around in his mouth a bit, thoughtfully. “...Chocolate,” he says finally. “Dark chocolate. That’s all. It doesn’t taste like there’s anything else in it.”

“Huh,” Simon says. There’s a _click, click_ next to his ear as Shep lights the end of their joint with a lighter that was in the pencil case. Shepard breathes out a little cloud and hands the joint to Penny.

“Do I...what do I do?” Penny asks, sounding suddenly nervous.

“You just...suck in some of the smoke. But try not to breathe it straight into your lungs. Hold it in your mouth and then sort of slowly breathe it in and then blow it out. Otherwise you’ll—“ Penny splutters and chokes next to him, shoving the joint back at his hand. “—make yourself cough.”

She continues to hack, eyes watering as she tries to catch her breath.

“Here,” Simon says as he puts her glass of water into her hand. She takes a sip and clears her throat, then drinks some more.

“Great snakes,” she rasps.

“Simon?” Shep offers the joint to him. He takes it uneasily, still watching Penny with concern.

“Now you know how _not_ to do it,” Agatha snorts from her chair. She’s turned sideways with her feet pulled up onto the seat, her head resting on the arm so that her pale blonde hair spills like a waterfall over the edge. She puts her joint to her lips again and takes an expert drag.

Simon puts the shared joint to his own lips and attempts to suck in. Nothing happens. “Eh?” he says, looking at the little cone of paper.

“Oh. Hang on,” Shep says, grabbing the lighter. “Try it again.” 

As Simon inhales, Shep bathes the end of the joint in flame. When he takes the lighter away, the end of the joint is glowing orange. Hot smoke floods Simon’s mouth. He tries to do as Shepard instructed. He slowly breathes in from his mouth, but it seems like most of the smoke just escapes. He exhales hard and more smoke comes out his nose. His airway feels singed. It feels a bit like Baz’s magic.

“Nice,” Shepard compliments him. Simon passes the joint back.

They sit like that for a long while, passing the joint back and forth, Agatha smoking in one chair and Baz swiping around on his mobile in the other.

Towards the end of Shepard’s third Meeting a Mythical Creature story (this time it’s about a chupacabra), Simon starts to feel like his head is floating away from his shoulders.

“D’you guys feel anything?” he asks the room. There’s a lovely buzzy feeling making its way down from his ears. He sinks back against Baz’s chair and rubs his cheek against Baz’s shin.

Agatha answers with a chortle.

“I feel very...tired,” Penny says. Her voice is both lower and slower than normal. “I’m going to put the movie on.”

“Good idea,” Shepard agrees. Penny aims the remote and pushes a button.

“...Really, Simon?” She says with a groan. “ _Monty Python and the Holy Grail?”_

“What makes you assume _I_ picked it?!” Simon huffs.

Baz looks up from his mobile. “He picked it,” he confirms.

“...I picked it,” Simon admits, and then dissolves into giggles. He feels long fingers ruffle his hair, twirling the curling tendrils in slow spirals. It makes his scalp tingle. “Mm. You can keep doing that,” he says.

“How are you feeling?” Baz asks him quietly.

“Good,” he responds.

“Good.”

“You?”

Baz’s eyebrows scrunch together. “I don’t feel any different…”

“I wondered about that,” Shep says, his head leaned back against the sofa. “If you would metabolize it differently. You know what I mean.”

“Yes, I know what you mean,” Baz rolls his eyes. “Maybe I should eat more?”

“Yeah, I dunno, man. You might need more than the rest of us,” Shepard says.

Baz pops another chocolate button out of the insert and chews it. He hesitates a moment, then slips another into his mouth.

They sit in companionable silence as King Arthur argues about coconuts and later hacks the limbs off the Black Knight. When the Knights of the Round Table break into song, Simon turns his head to look at Agatha. She’s watching the screen, and her eyes are so puffy they’re nearly squinted shut.

“Oi. Aggie. You awake?” he calls.

Her head lolls in his direction.

“...yeah?” she answers, then snickers. It turns into an unguarded laugh that Agatha would probably find unattractive in her right mind, but it makes Simon laugh along with her.

There’s a sudden _whump!_ as Penny slaps the back of the sofa, causing them all to turn to her in alarm.

“Merlin and fucking _Morgana_ ,” she moans. “Have you tried the cheesecake?!”

Agatha laughs more, her face turning pink.

“ _Yes_ ,” she says emphatically. “I’ve eaten so much of it that my stomach might burst...but my mouth just wants to keep _tasting_ it.”

“I knowwww,” Penny warbles. She licks the crumbs from the tines of her fork.

Simon scoops a forkful of the cheesecake from his plate and puts it in his mouth. He doesn’t know what he was expecting but...it wasn’t _this_. It’s like his taste buds have been turned up to 11. He can discern all the separate flavors that make up the cheesecake: the salt from the butter in the crust, the tang of the filling mixing with cream and vanilla, and then the sour-sweet raspberry swirl explodes on his tongue. It makes his jaw tingle, it’s so good. His eyes roll back and his eyelashes flutter.

“Baz. _Baz_ ,” he says, hitting at Baz’s knee. “Have you tried the cheesecake yet? You _have_ to try it.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Baz chuckles. He nudges Simon over so he can stand and stretch his legs. “I’ll be right— _oh.”_

Baz plunks back down on the edge of the chair and clutches the arm.

“Wha—you okay?” Simon asks, frowning as he twists to look behind him.

“I...yeah...I guess it’s just kicking in and I didn’t realize it until I stood up.”

Shepard rumbles a laugh from where he’s cozied himself into the corner of the sofa. He has Penny’s legs across his lap and is tracing little circles on her shin. “That’ll happen,” he says.

Baz sinks back into the chair, legs stretched out in front of him, his usual good posture abandoned. Simon turns around on his knees, one hand braced on Baz’s thigh.

“Does it feel like your head’s a balloon?” he asks. “Cause that’s what mine did.”

“Mmnh,” Baz grunts. His eyes are closed. Simon pats his thigh and turns back around, settling into his spot at the base of the chair. They all watch the television with glazed, red rimmed eyes, and play a game of rating the snacks.

“I’ve got to hand it to the Americans,” Penny admits. “They knew what they were doing when they invented the Dorito.”

“You don’t even know,” Shepard says mournfully. “You guys don’t have the Nacho Cheese kind here. You’re deprived, for real.”

“We’ve got Tangy Cheese,” Simon argues while shoving a Dorito in his mouth. “And Cool Original.”

“Ha! In America it’s called Cool Ranch.”

“What’s that even mean?” Penny scoffs. “What flavor is a _ranch?_ ”

Just then, Baz slowly slides out of his chair and onto the floor next to Simon, as if his bones have turned to jelly. He turns his cheek against the seat of the chair, eyes still closed and hair falling across his face.

“Hullo there,” Simon laughs. Baz grunts back at him again, and Simon brushes his dark hair behind his ear. It makes Baz shiver.

On the screen, an old woman is giving a deposition to a police officer.

“Why is this happening,” he demands.

“What?”

“This,” he says, nodding slightly at the television. “ _This_. How did we get here.”

“Baz, have you never seen _Holy Grail?_ ” Penny asks incredulously. Simon frowns, confused.

“No, he’s seen it…” he says. “We watched it together.”

Baz huffs in frustration, cheek still pressed against the chair seat. “It’s just...Penelope. Is it supposed to be a...a documentary? Or...how would they have gotten this footage? Is it scripted?”

Penny looks at Baz for a long moment, then busts out with a loud guffaw.

“My man…” Shepard murmurs, “You are incredibly— _incredibly_ —high.”

“Oh,” Baz says simply. “Is that...why my leg won’t stop moving?”

His right foot has been rubbing up and down the bit of floor in front of them for at least five minutes. Simon had just assumed Baz had an itch on the bottom of it. Baz stares down at it as if it’s a foreign object that he has no control over. He breathes through his nose.

“I...I need to lie down,” Baz says weakly. He doesn’t excuse himself to their bedroom, though. He just slithers down further onto the floor and curls onto his side, forehead pressed against Simon’s hip. His leg continues its movement unimpeded.

Simon looks down at him with concern and pets his long, dark hair. He didn’t feel _that_ affected by the weed. In fact, he feels like it’s starting to wear off. His head is less cloudy and everything feels more grounded and real.

“Uh...Shep?” Simon says softly.

“Yeah?”

“Is this normal? It’s weird to see Baz like this.”

Shepard sits up, bleary eyed, to peer over the edge of the sofa.

“He’ll be okay,” he says. “Get him to drink some water.”

As Simon rises from the floor, Baz groans in complaint and rolls on his stomach. His leg continues rubbing.

“Be right back,” Simon murmurs. He walks over to the kitchen. The snack remnants litter the peninsula and the lights are dimmed. He fills a glass with water and returns to the lounge, where Agatha appears to have actually fallen asleep in her chair. Baz has turned over onto his back and has an arm over his eyes, his leg keeping its rhythm.

“Baz, here—“ he stops in his tracks. Baz is breathing heavily through his mouth, and his fangs are out. Just... _out._ Right there. Gleaming in the light of the television screen. _Does he even know?_ Simon wonders. He clears his throat.

“Baz,” he tries again, kneeling down next to him. “Can you sit up?”

Baz lets his arm fall away from his face and squints up at Simon. His pupils are blown and his eyes unfocused. He rubs a hand roughly over his face. Then he does it again. It must feel good.

“Drink some water,” Simon says gently. 

“No,” Baz groans. He attempts to sit up slowly, as if his limbs are made of lead. “Ugh. I _can’t._ ...How’s this movie still on? ‘S it...like, six hours long?”

At the sound of Baz lisping, Penny sits up at attention. She catches Simon’s eye and makes a fang motion at her mouth with her fingers. Simon nods. Her eyes go wide and she slips off the couch toward them, obviously intrigued.

“Simon,” Baz says. He’s thrown his arm back over his face, but his fangs are still out and gleaming. 

“Y-yeah?” Simon asks.

“Can you...can you guys like...back up? You _reek,_ ” he says, scrunching his nose up.

Simon and Penny look at each other and start laughing incredulously.

“I beg your pardon!” Penny laughs. Baz grins from beneath his arm and then gives a snorty laugh through his nose.

“Have I—“ he struggles to talk through his laughter—“Have I ever told you...told you…!”

“Told us what?!” Simon laughs. Baz is laughing so hard that no noise comes out of his mouth. His whole body shakes. He manages to get himself somewhat under control and reaches up from the floor to grab both of Simon’s arms, pulling Simon closer.

“HaveIevertoldyou,” he rushes through it, looking into Simon’s eyes as seriously as possible, “that I want to _eat_ you-?!” He barely gasps it out before dissolving back into riotous laughter.

Simon’s entire face flushes red. “Y-you...what…!” He splutters. Penny is looking at him with her eyebrows up to her hairline.

Baz catches his breath again. “Oh, _Crowley_. Yeah, I mean... _that_...but I mean I really want to _eat_ you. Like, all of you. Like, really _eat_ you.”

Shepard sits up straighter on the sofa. “This has taken an unexpected turn,” he remarks.

“ _Baz_ ,” Penny gasps.

“ _I know!_ ” he replies in the same scandalized tone. “Like, do you smell each other? C’n you tell? Or ‘s it a just me thing?”

“Pretty sure it’s a _just you_ thing, love,” Simon says, still red in the ears.

“...What do I smell like?” Penny asks, sounding much too fascinated. Baz takes a deep inhale through his nose, eyes still covered by his arm. 

“Sweet...and sour...like balsamic vinegar and treacle. Gets stuck in my nose,” Baz says.

“What about Simon?” Penny continues. She has that researchy look on her face, Simon thinks.

“Mmm,” Baz groans and laughs. “Cinnamon buns. Brown butter. Popcorn.”

“Okay, I kind of want to eat me, too,” Simon admits with an uneasy laugh, and he and Baz dissolve into hysterics.

“And Agatha?” Penny asks. The person in question is currently snoring lightly from across the table.

“Fresh strawberries. That one flower they put in tea...whassit called. You know, it looks...tropical?” Baz says, laughing.

Penny looks up at Simon, frowning. “How come you all sound so delicious, and I smell of _vinegar?_ ” she says. “You know what else smells of vinegar? Pacey’s trainers. It’s not an appetizing aroma.”

Simon gives a _what-can-you-do_ shrug.

“What about me?” Shepard chimes in. “Do I have a smell?”

“No,” Baz says bluntly. This gets them all giggling again. 

“No...wait...no,” Baz says again, rubbing his hand over his face. “‘S just cause you’ve never bled around me.”

“Oh!” Shepard chirps. “We could change that!”

“No! No, we most definitely could _not change that_ ,” Penny says, turning to give Shepard a _look_.

“ ‘M not going to eat you,” Baz murmurs. “Just _want_ to. Crowley...I want to.”

With that uncomfortable statement, he goes quiet, mouth still slightly open, fangs peeking out over his lips, arm firmly covering his eyes.

Simon and Penny just sit staring at each other for a moment, taking in the immensity of what’s just occurred. 

“Are you back to normal?” Simon asks softly.

Penny nods. “Yeah. I think so. What about you?”

“Yeah,” Simon says. “Pretty much.”

Penny glances down at Baz, who hasn’t moved (other than the leg).

“Shall we start cleaning up?” she suggests. She stands up quietly and makes to start gathering plates. Simon moves to follow her, but Baz reaches out and grabs him by the sleeve.

“Don’t leave me,” he pleads quietly.

“Okay,” Simon says with wide eyes. He settles back into his spot next to Baz. “I won’t.”

Baz turns on his side and curls into Simon, who runs gentle fingers through his hair. Baz is breathing quick and shallow, his body tense. His jeans make a swishing sound as he rubs one leg against the other.

“What is that sound,” he murmurs, voice muffled by Simon’s thigh.

“...What sound?” Simon asks. He sits still and strains his ear to hear. Nothing.

“Scratching. Like there’s a mouse in the wall. —There! D’you hear it?”

“No…” Simon says. “There’s no sound, Baz.”

“Yes, there i—there it is again!” 

“...I don’t hear anything,” Simon says.

Baz goes quiet again, pressing his forehead into Simon’s thigh. His body is so tense he’s shivering.

“You cold, love?” Simon asks.

“N-no,” Baz grits out. He’s huffing air in and out of his nose. “S-Simon…why can’t I ssstop.”

“Uh—“ Simon looks over at Shepard with worried eyes.

“ _Nnngh,_ ” Baz whines, shrugging off Simon’s hand as he attempts to rub soothing circles on Baz’s back. 

“Sorry,” Simon says. He sits back and watches until the end of the movie with Shepard, Penny having disappeared to the kitchen (probably doing something on her mobile), and Agatha sleeping soundly in her chair. Baz is silent the whole time, though he continues his tense shaking and leg rubbing and shallow breathing, face hidden in the side of Simon’s thigh. Come to think of it, Baz’s breathing is a lot more labored than it was earlier.

“...Baz?” Simon murmurs. He moves his leg a bit and sweeps damp hair off of Baz’s face. His eyes are shut tightly, eyebrows drawn together as his breath hitches. “...Are you crying?”

Baz says nothing in return. Simon feels a flare of defensive love spark hot in his gut.

“Shepard,” he says. “Is this normal? This doesn’t seem normal.”

Shepard sits forward with his elbows on his knees and runs a hand over his hair. “Yeah...I don’t know, man. He seems really out of it.”

“What do you mean, _you don’t know_ ,” Simon bristles. He’s getting louder. “I thought you did this all the time!”

“What? No! I’ve smoked with some friends once or twice, but that’s really it.” He pulls out his mobile and starts typing something. “Why would you think I do this all the time…” he says under his breath.

“I don’t know!” Simon cries, tugging at his hair. “You talked like you knew what you were doing! You made it sound like you’re an expert!”

“What’s going on?” Penny asks, slipping back into the room.

“I don’t know,” Simon repeats. “Baz is...I don’t know. I don’t _know!_ ”

Agatha stirs from the commotion just as Penny kneels down next to Baz and murmurs, “ _Basil?”_

“I’m messaging with James,” Shepard says, not looking up from his mobile.

“ ‘M I breathing?” Baz asks, sounding legitimately afraid.

“Yes, Baz, you’re breathing,” Penny says. “You wouldn’t be talking to me if you weren’t breathing.”

Simon envies her ability to snap into calm focus when there’s a crisis. God, what would they do without her?

“Should we...should we take him to A&E?” he asks.

“You _can’t_ take him to A&E,” Agatha says as she weaves her way over and perches on Baz’s abandoned chair. “Just look at him.”

She’s right, Simon knows. Even on his best day, the second a doctor hooked Baz up to any kind of medical equipment, his secret would be out. But to take him in now, with his fangs bared and his defenses down...it would be a giveaway at the first glance.

“So...so, what do we do? Should we call your dad, Aggie?”

“ _No,_ ” Agatha says vehemently. “Absolutely not.”

Simon is all set to argue when Shepard interrupts them. “He doesn’t need a doctor,” he says. “James says to just give him time and it’ll wear off. Nobody’s ever died from too much weed.”

“How much did he eat?” Agatha asks, frowning. Penny reaches over to grab the chocolate package and checks the insert.

“Three, I think,” she says.

“Let me see that,” Agatha demands. She reads the wrapper and then throws her head back and laughs. “Hoooly _fuck_!” she crows.

“What?!” Simon says.

“He’s eaten enough for like, five people! No wonder he’s out of his mind.”

Simon looks back down at his shivering boyfriend, who is absolutely out of his mind. He stretches over to the sofa and grabs the blanket they keep draped over the arm, and then tucks it around Baz’s middle.

“...Will he be okay?” he asks.

“Yeah. Shepard’s friend is right. He just needs time for it to wear off.”

Simon breathes a deep sigh of relief.

“Simon.” Baz’s voice is quiet and muffled.

“Yes?”

“I keep...thinking there’s a staircase in the kitchen.”

“...Oh?”

“...but...there isn’t. Right?”

“No, Baz. There isn’t.”

“‘S what I thought.”

Simon can’t help but grin, now that he knows Baz isn’t dying or anything.

“...Simon?”

“Yes, love?”

Baz is quiet for a moment, and then his breath hitches again, and he’s turning his face so it’s pressed into the floor, his hand coming up to tug at his black hair.

“I’m so…” his voice sounds young and plaintive. “I’m just...so...sorry. I’m so sorry, Simon. For...for wanting to eat you...for thinking about it.” He’s crying openly now. It’s one of the most uncomfortable things Simon has ever witnessed. Agatha is sitting awkwardly, her arms folded across her middle.

“We can go,” Penny whispers to Simon. “I...I don’t think he’d want us to see him like this.”

Shepard starts to collect their stuff from where it’s scattered around the coffee table.

“I...I…!” Baz’s sobs have turned to frantic, sucking gasps. “I can’t...breathe!”

Simon whips around to look at Penny with panicked eyes.

“Don’t go,” he pleads. “Please don’t go. I don’t want to be here by myself.”

“Okay,” Penny nods. She rests a steady, comforting hand on Simon’s shoulder. “Okay. We’ll stay.”

Simon turns his attention back to Baz, shushing him and trying to get him to steady his breathing. Shepard puts their mobile phones back on the table and stretches his long legs before heading to the kitchen.

“Tea,” he announces.

“ _Please_ ,” Agatha agrees as she rises from the chair to follow. “But I’m helping. I don’t trust you to make it properly.” 

Penny and Simon sit in the dark living room together, one on each side of Baz. They’ve been through everything else together, Simon supposes, so they’ll get through Baz on drugs together, too. As if she read his mind (Simon sometimes wonders if she can’t), Penny reaches over and takes his broad, freckled hand in her small, soft one. Simon hopes she isn’t grossed out by how sweaty it is, but Penny doesn’t mention it. She just squeezes, as if to say _it’s going to be okay_.

“Lemme out,” Baz mumbles from the floor between them.

“What?” Penny asks.

“Lemme out! Out!” Baz is panicking. He’s gasping for breath and straining against invisible bonds, eyes squeezed shut. “I can’t breathe! _Please!”_

“What’s happening now?” Shepard asks, hustling back from the kitchen with a mug in each hand. He puts one on the coffee table and carefully presses the other into Penny’s outstretched hands.

“He’s...hallucinating, I suppose,” Penny says. She takes a deep breath and a slow sip.

“Let...let me out! I can’t see! I can’t _breathe!_ ” 

Shepard looks obviously shaken. He sinks back into the sofa cushions and cradles his mug of tea to his chest. Agatha sits next to him.

“Baz was kidnapped and kept in a coffin for months once,” she informs him quietly.

“ _What!_ ” Shepard exclaims. “I thought I had heard about all the fucked up things that have happened to you guys. I didn’t think there could be anything left to learn…”

“Yeah,” Agatha says solemnly.

On the floor, Simon grasps Baz’s face between his hands. “ _Baz_. Darling, open your eyes.”

To Simon’s surprise, Baz does. He forces his eyes to squint up at Simon, grey eyes boring into Simon’s blue as he continues to fight for air. Simon keeps his hands bracketing Baz’s face and Baz grabs at his upper arms, bunching his fingers into the fabric of Simon’s sleeves.

“Breathe with me, love,” Simon says. He stares into Baz’s eyes and inhales deeply through his nose and exhales slowly through his mouth. Baz tries to do the same, his breath fast and shaking. Simon keeps it up, guiding him with his own steady breaths. It reminds him so much of all the times they’ve helped each other through panic attacks and nightmares. It should be old hat by now, really (though it never, ever is).

“You’re here with me,” Simon tells him. “We’re at home. You’re okay.”

“Am I going to be like this... _forever?_ ” Baz asks him pitifully.

“No, darling. You’re already better than you were. It’s wearing off, I think.”

Baz exhales a shaky breath. “I know...I know this is what everybody says...like it’s A Thing or whatever. But...Simon...I’ve been on a _journey_ tonight.”

“I know you have,” Simon humors him. Penny is snickering. “Do you think we could get you to the bed? Maybe you could sleep?”

“Yeah…yeah…” Baz says, nodding. Simon kneels, threading one of his arms under Baz’s and tries to haul him to his feet. Baz is limp and heavy as lead and doesn’t help him even a little bit.

“Shep. Give us a hand?” Simon grunts. Shepard moves to Baz’s opposite side and the two of them manage to heft him to his feet. Baz leans unsteadily against Simon, and the two of them start making a slow path to the bedroom.

“...tell me something,” Baz says.

“Yeah?” Simon responds.

“Was any part of that movie claymation?”

The two of them disappear into the bedroom and Simon kicks the door mostly shut behind them. Penny, Shepard, and Agatha sit in the silence, just looking at each other.

“They _almost_ make me want to attempt a romantic relationship,” Agatha muses. “Almost.”

“...What time is it?” Penny asks. Agatha cranes her neck to see the clock in the kitchen.

“Half past two in the morning,” she says.

“Fuck,” is all Shepard can reply.

“We ought to get to bed,” Penny says. She doesn’t move from her spot on the floor, though.

“I get the guest room,” Agatha says, already moving in that direction. “I’m not spending my birthday on the bloody couch.”

“Fair enough,” Shepard concedes. “G’night.”

Penny forces herself to get up and flops onto the sofa next to Shepard. He raises an arm so she can tuck herself against his side, rubbing her face against his shirt until she gets comfortable. They lay together in the quiet of the lounge, drifting toward sleep.

“Penelope,” Shepard breaks the silence.

“Mmnh,” Penny groans.

“We still have another joint.”


End file.
